Springtime is the time for love in Tubberfeck, but our singleton citizens need to lighten up and loosen the tongue if they’re ever to get a leg over, according to Sligo match-maker Willie O’Wonty.
The legendary love guru told The Tattler that with the turn of the weather towards favorable terms this month, he’s seen a surge in applications for his services from Tubberfeckers, but many, sadly, are repeat customers.
“It’s very hard on people living alone in small cottages with the wind and rain lashing about the place all winter long. With the return of sunnier days, I’ve had a definite increase in the number of people coming forward to ask for help in finding a partner and there’s a greater urgency too in their calls and letters” he said.
Mr. O’Wonty, who is credited for nearly 2,000 happy couplings over the course of this lengthy match-making career, said the other seasonal changes are at play. No doubt the start of football season also has something to do with the rise in applications from single women looking for a fella not sat down with the lads in the pub or without his eyes glued to the match scores scrolling across his phone, he notes. But this particularly rough and isolating winter has improved the chances of some of his more ‘seasoned’ male clients. “What I am seeing is that some of those lads who would have been turned down by women earlier on are now getting a second look,” he noted. “They’re not George Clooney’s or Leonardo di Caprios, but they’re sound fellas who come from decent backgrounds. Women who might have written them off are now getting back in touch with me to see if they can reconsider and reconnect with them. The number of successful arrangements is up nearly thirty percent year-over-year.”
The art of conversation is also something that, according to Mr. O’Wonty, needs a bit of polish from a skilled professional as himself.
“I do find that I really have to keep encouraging people not to give up on each other on the basis of a phone call or two. There are some fellas like Cyrano de Bergerac who have the right chat-up lines, but mightn’t have much to say over the course of more than three chats with a woman. Then, there are the silent types, who are slow out the gate, but they become more talkative and really open up a lead in the stretch.”
“But Sweet Mary on a Bicycle, I’ve seen the same four or five bachelors from the Village cycle through my appointment book every two months,” he said. “There’s an old saying that goes ‘the Lord gave you two ears and one mouth so you can listen twice as much as you speak’ but I’d say some of these bottlers have missed the point,” he said. “They’ve got the ratio about right. They listen to half of what the woman is saying, and have dropped their utterances down to nothing but grunts. But that isn’t a very elegant equation. If I’ve any advice for these recidivists, it would be to practice talking to the livestock once in a while. All things being equal, if you can’t figure out how to carry on a conversation with a woman, at the least you may find more . . . let’s just say ‘willingness’ in your current life partners.”
“And some of the women of Tubberfeck,” he continued, “should reconcile themselves with growing old with a sister or two. There’s this one auld hen who sits down in the pub and squares up with each of the clients I’ve brought her. Despite my counsel, she insists on staring each of these frightened animals in the eyes and starting the conversation with ‘So what are ye after? Is it me money or me arse?’ I was able to find her match, thank fuck, but I’ll say the job nearly kilt me.”
Nevertheless, the extraordinarily rough winter that has kept us cooped in the better part of two months will have some happy results, Mr O’Wonty believes. “I think it’s very likely that love that might have gone stale over this hard winter will be revived in many cases,” he said. “For people who were apart, please God it won’t be long until they are back in each others arms. What I do anticipate is a baby boom and that would be a lovely thing to come out of such a hard winter. It would be a lovely reward for all of the patience people have had to use and their willingness to lower they’re unrealistic standards.”
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