“These people are not drunk, as you suppose, for it is only nine o’clock in the morning.”
I’m often troubled by some of the odd verses in the Good Book. Ah, let me rephrase that. I am often troubled by some of the parishioners of St. Ronaldo’s that like to quote to me the odd verses of the Good Book. This one in particular.
If I’m honest, though, there is a simple beauty to this bit of poetry. Hemmingway had nothing on this scribe. “These people are not drunk, as you suppose, for it is only nine in the morning.” It’s like a passage from The Sun Also Rises. “This is a good place,” he said. “There is a lot of liquor.” I agreed and the night fell down before us . . .” All well and good for some fiction, but this is the Bible we’re talking about, so it’s no mystery why the authorship of Acts Chapter 2 was never claimed by any of the Apostles. Not with headscratchers like this. What in the name of Judean Crisco is your man on about? People drunk, (or not, one appears to argue), in the lanes before the streetlamps have even snuffed out. It’s safe to presume after a mad night out, a few sinners may be wandering about with the remainder of “the Pure” evaporating from their groggy heads, but sure they wouldn’t be on the approach to a hill’s worth of intoxication; just merely stumbling down the back side of one. Yet that’s not what seems to be going on here. It’s as if the town rose up one morning and poured themselves a cup of breakfast wine to go with a bit of toast and jam before the day started. The speaker appears to tell our unknown chronicler of public drunkenness that “I know it seems like these people are bollixed but that’s not the case, officer . . .” And indeed that’s true. If we look at some of the surrounding parts of Acts 2 for context, we get a different picture. Just before this, we hear that Peter gets up to make an announcement: “People of Judea, c’mere to me and listen”. Then comes the bit about “don’t let the drunken stumbling about fool you”. And Acts 2:16 to 18 goes on to tell us that “In the last days, God says, I will pour out My Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams.” Peter goes on for a bit and things get dark. Very dark indeed. “blood and fire and billows of smoke. The sun will turn to darkness and the moon blood red”. But all this precedes the coming of the great and glorious Day of the Lord, so not to worry. Just grin and bear it, says Peter.
So the takeaway here is that these lads in the lane are drunk on the Spirt of God poured out from some sort of Heavenly wineskin just before the End Game. That’s what they told us in Seminary, anyway, and so that’s how I have understood this passage. However, the streets of Tubberfeck at 9 in the morning are not like the Russel Library at Maynooth and not the place to be engaging in scholarly debate.
It’s the logical hole dug by Mr. Anonymous Apostle that is the facet of this gem which gives me angina. And here it is: “Because it is just 9 o’clock in the morning, I cannot possibly be drunk”. If A is true, the truth of A means B must also be true. The logical fallacy being that, no, it is in fact possible for one statement to be true and the other false. Surely, a man could actually be drunk at 9 in the morning, and it’s not the particular location of the hands of the clock that meter the timing of his intoxication. But try explaining that to one of our more abled intoxicants stumbling down the lane before the rooster’s second breakfast. That’s how I came to understand this surely singular illogicality of the Bible.
A few years back, I happened upon one of our more interesting citizens. I’ve withheld his name for the sake of piety but one could imagine of whom I’m speaking. He had the smell of fresh drink upon him and his smuggler’s cane appeared to be lightened of its amber load.
I say to him in my sternest voice, “Mickey, tell me you’re not on the batter this early.”
And he says to me “I am not drunk, as you suppose, for it is only nine o’clock in the morning.”
Perplexed, I ask him what that is supposed to mean and he says “It’s scripture, Father. Because it is only 9 in the morning, I can’t be drunk. The Bible says so.”
I tell him he’s taken this out of context and he says “Criminy, Father. I must be drunk on the Lord’s Spirit then. Ah Jayzus, Father. Is it the Endtimes already?!”
“I doubt that very much,” I say to him.
“Hmm,” he scratched his grizzled chin and says “So I’m not supposed to believe what I read in the Bible?” He smiled and continued past me on his staggering ramble. Now, whenever we repeat this scene, he simply smiles and says “Acts 2:15, Padre. Act 2:15.”
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